Here we are the Sunday before Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air! Love has so many facets. I thought I knew love because I have a big family of six children and 13 grandchildren and husband who has loved me for 51 years. I also had a deep and abiding faith in God’s love all my life. I never gave much thought to whether my loved ones continued to love me after they died. I was surrounded by love right here on earth.
Few of us know love completely. Hopefully, we all felt love in the womb. As human beings we are molded in the fashion of the adults who raised us. If we had loving parents, we learned about love from them. If not, we were deprived of what love feels like. We are also limited by the English language when we use the same word to say “I love hot dogs, I love Austin, and I love you.” It doesn’t really give us the full experience of love. Perhaps we must experience it in stages. I knew love in an earthly way, but I had a crash course in another dimension of love due to the deaths of my mother and our daughter, Cyndi.
Ten years ago, almost to the day, my mother died. In our lifetime together as mother and daughter, we loved each other in an earthly way. However, we never had an intimate conversation. Intimacy made my mom uncomfortable. Until the day she died, there was so much I wanted to share with her, but she had a wall that protected her deepest feelings. I was never allowed inside that wall. Even though I had studied the mind-body and meditated for almost 30 years, I was never able to reach my mother in a heart to heart manner. We had an incomplete earthly love. Perhaps some of you have had that experience with a loved-one: Unfinished conversations; Buried hurts; Lack of forgiveness.
The day Mom died, I was a witness to Celestial Love. After being called to her bedside by hospice, I found her in her bed, looking at the upper right hand corner, mumbling words I couldn’t understand. Mother seemed to have moved into another dimension. I tried to speak to her: “I’m here, Mom,” I repeated over and over. I know she heard me, but she kept her eyes glued upon the upper right hand corner of the ceiling. All of a sudden, she sat up in her bed about 45 degrees. All the lines in her 86 year old face seemed to disappear. She exclaimed “Oh, Oh, Oh.” With the most serene smile on her face, she lay down and died.” No struggle. It was as if she left her body on the bed and went upward into God’s loving arms. What a gift!
I was relieved for her. She had been so devastated by her three hip surgeries which left her unable to walk. Yet I felt so sad that her death meant that I had lost my chance to heal our relationship. My belief at the time was that no communication was possible with those who had died. The chance of ever finding out why we were never able to heal our relationship was gone. I WAS WRONG!
Over the next few months, I felt completely discouraged by my failure to “finish our business” before she died. Perhaps you have had that experience after the death of a loved one. I didn’t know what to do about my frustration, until a hospice friend of mind suggested that I journal about the situation. I still carried so much negativity about our relationship that I decided to try her suggestion, even if it was just a means to put my thoughts on paper. I bought a journal and dedicated it to my mom, asking her to help me understand why our relationship had been so challenging. I knew I had to let go of my negativity in order to live my life more completely. I wanted my mother’s help. Thus, I began my attempt to reach through the veil through prayer, meditation and journaling. I wasn’t sure that it would work, but I was determined to try. My own peace of mind depended on it!
To my surprise and delight, using the process of prayer, meditation and journaling, my mother’s words did come to me in my journal. Words of love, words of explanation, words of direction, words of caution and words of praise. I wrote the words I heard from Mom in my journal. Years later I learned that I was using transpersonal journaling to connect with her It was three years later that I discovered that I wrote “transpersonal communication” in my first letter to her. I had not yet known about Transpersonal Psychology.
She gave me answers to my questions and I applied her guidance to my everyday life. Gradually through Celestial Conversations, I began to comprehend why Mother had acted the way she did. With understanding came my ability to let go of the judgments I had about her and our relationship. I began to lighten up and surrender to her love in a way I never did when she was alive.
Five months after beginning my transpersonal journaling with Mom, our daughter committed suicide. Extenuating circumstances made it impossible for us to know why and how Cyndi had died. So I went to my Mother’s journal for answers. Like any parent, I needed to know that Cyndi was all right. I needed to know how to help her two boys. I needed to know how to gather the strength to bury our child. I realized that Mother had been preparing me for this devastating moment. She walked me through those days of grief, just as if we were physically together. She continued to help me in the aftermath of Cyndi’s death, which is a long journey of grief. She still does today…..ten years later using the same formula of prayer, meditation and prayer before journaling.
Mother also introduced me to the fact that Mother-daughter love never dies. Who knew? She explained to me that anyone could reach through the veil to the other side, if both parties were willing and there was a healing intention. She taught me that my unwillingness to forgive had made it impossible for her to get through to me in any other way. She insisted that “forgiveness is the key to the door of unconditional love…….Do not waste time on guilt, resentment, criticism or judgment.” That seemed impossible under the circumstances. I had so much of that negativity about our daughter’s death in my mind and heart.
Mother helped me by sharing what was going on with Cyndi on the other side. How all negativity disappears as you go home to God. She explained how loved ones were helping ease Cyndi’s shock over her own death, since she had only wanted to go to sleep for a little while. In the midst of mother’s Celestial Conversation with me, Cyndi jumped in with her own words. “Mom I am so sorry…..” Even though I was writing her words, they scared me at first. And yet, I felt the energy of my daughter, just as I felt the energy of my mother when I wrote her words. They were very different energies, but very clear and comforting to me.
Eventually, I began a journal with Cyndi. She helped me accept her death, help her boys and refocus my life on love. She reiterated what my mother had been sharing for five months prior to her death, when she said, “Forgive everyone as quickly as you can. Make it your primary purpose of each day. Forgiveness is the key to unconditional love.”
As Cyndi asked me to share with my family, I share with you: She says “Love Heals. Love Soothes. Don’t be distracted by the dark side. Love each other more. Love those you call enemies. Love is never wasted. Speak your love. Treasure your love. Love is all there is and time is awasting for all!”
So my own healing continued through Celestial Conversations for five years. Then the process became a workshop, then a book several years later. Now it has become mission to share with others. Thank you for letting me share my love-letter to Mom and Cyndi with you this morning.